Home > Rants, ROFLstiltsink, WTF > Ladies and Gentelmen I Present Alvin Greene the next George Washington

Ladies and Gentelmen I Present Alvin Greene the next George Washington

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Browsing the headlines this morning has actually changed my life ….. I’ve found a true beacon of hope for our country and Thoreau’s words have now taken on new meaning for our times … “… Oh Captain my captain” I present to you My Captain … Our Captain Alvin Greene … if you are like me when you read this you’re think to yourself who in the hell is Alvin Greene (…trust me on this one its worth finding out) for starters:

MANNING, South Carolina — A 32-year-old unemployed military veteran who has made a surprising run for the U.S. Senate finally made his first campaign appearance Sunday.


oic ….. did he get in the wrong line when trying to get into the Salvation Army for the night and end up registering for the senate race?

And when he talked about justice, Greene called for giving first-time offenders a chance to do community service and pay a fine to have their records wiped clean, which called to mind his own legal troubles. Greene is facing a felony charge of showing obscene Internet photos to a University of South Carolina student.


Hey at least he has got first hand knowledge of the issue’s, and apparently he is adept at social networking media which is so important in today’s world. Frankly I’m a little jealous I thought Louisiana was the only place that you could mount a solid campaign for senate while under felony indictment …. and just to be clear we must be talking about the South Carolina State senate right .. OH NO .. we are talking about the US senate as in the UNITED STATES SENATE ie. the highest ranking elected political office under president. GIT-ER-DUN.

Hey despite appearances it does seem like he possesses all the skills necessary to be successful in Washington:

…..Yet when he’s pressed on the one question everyone’s asking—how he came up with a $10,400 filing fee when only months earlier he claimed he was indigent­ in a criminal obscenity case filed against him—he obfuscates. “That’s not even anything to talk about,” he says. Was the money his? Yes, he replies. He saved it during his military service. So why did he file an affidavit of indigency to qualify for a court-appointed public defender last November? “I have nothing to say about that,” he responds.


I don’t know what else to say here other than that is f$%*ing beautiful ‘….. naw baby that’s not even nothing to talk about ….  wasn’t me with those hookers last night ….’

But at the end of the day shouldn’t we let bygones be bygones, it’s the future that really matters and Mr. Greene has a vision, a plan, dare I say a dream for the future and how to lead our great nation forward …. this from the UK newspaper The Guardian (I’m sure the rest of the world is laughing it up at us on this one).

“Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”


Solid plan brah, solid plan ….. wow I couldn’t make something that ridiculous and at the same time comical up if I tried …. and I’ll assume the reporter from the guardian is sane and was not on LSD or PCP when they wrote this which means they couldn’t have made it up either. The only thing that comes to mind is how the comedian Lewis Black talks about being glad he had taken LSD in his youth because it’s the only thing that could prepare him for certain situations that arose later … this, I’m sure Lou would agree is one of those situations ….

I’m sure you are saying ” ….Le Singe you so silly he can’t be that bad …. give the guy a break” well Newsweek …. that’s as close to a legitimate media outlet as there is left in the world today …. Newsweek described Alvin Greene in this way:

Normally, these sorts of responses would be a sure-fire sign that he had something to hide. But spend a little time with Greene and you realize there’s something more puzzling going on. A deeply inscrutable man, he speaks in an uninflected monotone, repeatedly trails off mid-sentence, and often mumbles incoherently. He has a blank, distant look and virtually no sense of humor. He barely expresses emotion, apart from annoyance at what he deems intrusive questions. In a way, he recalls Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man. He sometimes repeats an identical sentence two or three times. He recites campaign slogans as though memorizing lines for a school play.


Frankly based on my experience with U.S. senators I think I’d rather them mumble incoherently than whatever it is that they are doing now….

So after all this I … not paying enough attention per usual …. I was kind of puzzled, sure this is amusing but why is it such a big story? Random lunatics run for office all the time but you don’t ever see them all over the national news and interviewed by major foreign media outlets …. Then it dawned on me he’s not just some random lunatic that’s thrown his hat in the ring, that’s what he was earlier this year, but then HE WON THE #$%^ING DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY ….. W .. T .. F are you kidding me BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA who the hell was he running against Osama Bin Ladin? lucifer the darklord himself? and I honestly think I would vote for either of these two over this guy. It is totally unfathomable to me how this possibly could have happened …. is Mr. Greene some kind of freaking warlock or something, has he cast a spell over the state. An entire state voted someone into a run off for the UNITED STATES SENATE whose idea for stimulating the economy and creating jobs is to make and sell action figures of HIMSELF ….. THIS IS PURE GOLD BAAAH BEEEEE.

Best of all we’ve got 3+ more months to see what other totally wild ass shit this dude can come up with. This is a day you’re going to want to remember for a long time, for it is the day that our political process officially became a Saturday Night Live skit …. the freaking C. O. N. Spiracy guy IS IN A RUN OFF FOR THE US SENATE …(I realize that was “in living color” but just work with me here)

Truly a gilded age we live in!

~Le Singe

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