Where In I beat the game one more time!! GOOD news.
So I got some Promotional material this morning and it indirectly lead me down a rabbit hole that caused me to make one of the great discoveries of our times. Now before you die of shock I’ll tell you NO!! I don’t use “smokeless tobacco products” of course not …. please ….
someone .. a “Friend” left this stuff at my house hypothetically speaking. In my my friends defence I my friend used to smoke many years ago and then I he quit for 2 plus years. unfortunately one night when things were going a little rocky I he decided I’d he’d just have one …. you know the rest of the story. I then went thought a couple of years of the whole on again off again thing. At some point during this I came up with the brilliant idea that I would “beat the game” by getting off cigarettes though dipping and then since I didn’t like dipping anyway I would ditch that and that would be a wrap. It worked soooo well that within a short period of time I was dipping and smoking full-time *hi5*. Due to the fact that in modern american society being a smoker puts you one rung below being in Al Qaeda, and the fact that the only place you can smoke anymore is in a secret dungeon you built under your house or in the airport where they put you in a cage with the other smokers like you’re an animal at the Zoo so passers-by can mock you ….. for these reasons the smoking faded away and only the dipping is left which brings us to:
Now this is significant, not because it’s quality information …. If you didn’t already know this you’ve got problems that I can’t help you with …. but what it means is, as was my suspicion, the use of chewing tobacco is rising greatly and this has been interpreted, wrongly, as the result people thinking it’s a safe alternative to smoking. When in reality it is a result of the fact that they have made smoking cigarettes less socially acceptable and more difficult than smoking crack….
right about now you’re saying to yourself “so whats the point” ….. well up till this there hasn’t been one …. BUT while contemplation these highly important issues my mind stumbled onto the most brilliant revelation.
We have been led to believe that what causes cancer is repeated exposure to carcinogens, not just one lucky shot by the cancer bug. Is this true, I have no idea but I think this is what most of us think.
Cigarettes cause lung cancer ….. Chewing tobacco causes throat and mouth cancer … Right now you are saying to yourself “but my lungs and my mouth are not the same thing”
And to that I reply “Exaaaaaaactly” *taps nose*
We have also been lead to believe that once you quit the ultimate evil of smoking your lungs repair themselves over some period of time.
Lastly we all recognize the FACT that smoking menthol cigarettes is the absolute acme of human existence….
what does this mean?
[drum roll please …… wait for it]
welcome to the land of GUILT FREE SMOKING!!!!! as you will see from my book and infomercial (both being released later this week) I have devised a system where on a three year cycle you rotate between smoking and dipping, and you can do so without ever worrying about cancer at all. No way is only three years gonna do you in, hell you’re just warming up. Brilliant!!! The only downside is during the dipping phase you are inevitably going to periodically not pay good enough attention and end up taking a big swig of tobacco spit …. I’ll be the first to admit this is not as fun nor as stylish as the movies and TV has led you to believe it is …. but honestly it’s a small damn price to pay for three years of guilt free mentholie goodness…
well I guess, just like when I tried to use dipping to quit smoking (aka the last time I beat the game) and ended up doing both, you could end up having a case of double cancer …. hmmm we’re just not going to worry about that for now ….. (this is my highly succesful solution to inconveniences such as this)
so with great pleasure I can say, with a vigor and joy that has not been used with these words in 30 years, SMOKE’UM IF YOU GOT’UM and if you don’t get’um then smoke’em. YEEEHAAA
what I really mean is I need to quit nicotine based products …..
send help ……
and money …….