Home > Rants, ROFLstiltsink, Stuff Thats Awesome > Any Story With ‘Intimate waxing’ in the Title is Bound to be Worth Reading

Any Story With ‘Intimate waxing’ in the Title is Bound to be Worth Reading

Any time someone almost loses a testicle it is definitely a news item, but when the near neutering also involves an Intimate Waxing fundraiser it’s no longer a mere news story and becomes more of a culturally significant event. It’s the type of thing that no sane or rational person can hear without having to immediately stop everything going on in their life and get to the bottom of what exactly the hell is going on here. I of course am no different thus let us set out on this journey of investigative reporting.

  Joe Cooper might want to think twice the next time he’s asked to participate in a bikini waxing fundraiser for charity.

Now I’m one of those people who is not in possession of very good “life skills”. I routinely make decisions (if you could call it that) that are not supportive of my long-term well-being …. BUT even I was born with the instinctual knowledge anything remotely similar of a bikini waxing is something that you should enter into with only the utmost caution and discretion. I think in addition to looking at maps and reading directions the Y chromosome also gives one a natural aversion to bikini waxing. This shouldn’t be something you have to experience to realize isn’t going to end well so you will know better “next time”.

Cooper, 24, was left in agony after an “intimate beauty waxing” event at a pub went a bit too far and he nearly lost a testicle.

“I’d never do it again. I wouldn’t put any man through that pain,” he told British media Wednesday.

Sorry but by the time you get to the potential loss of a testicle you’ve gone way way way beyond “a bit to far”, if nothing else the second someone starts putting hot wax on your junk should a clue that maybe you should burn a time out and talk things over with the coaching staff because you might have got the play call wrong. Hey at least this guy seems to have learned his lesson unlike this guy who keeps saying “Bro” in public while cameras are rolling.

Now anytime you have a group of people gathered together who are having a few cocktails, especially if many or all of them have the aforementioned pesky Y chromosome, there’s always going to be “that guy”.  I used to be that guy regularly …. you know that guy who’s always just a little too wasted, he’s lost control of the volume his voice, he might repeatedly feel the need to inform you that “IT’S MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY” or “F#*& THEM BITCHES I GRADUATED” (come to think of it I think everyone I used to know was “that guy”) or ….

Cooper and 10 male friends had agreed to undergo the waxing on June 5 to raise cash for a local hospital. But all the others just had their chests waxed, while Joe endured the “male Brazilian,” the Daily Sun reports.

…. when everyone decides to get their chests waxed to help out a charity, he yells “THAT ALL YOU GOT’ drops his drawers and continues “WAX ME IN THE JIMMY”. That guy I think Mr. Cooper might be “that guy” …. don’t be “that guy” loosing a nut is way way worse than wearing a bands shirt to their concert ….. don’ be that guy.

Pub manager Josh Adcock told the U.K. Daily Mail: ‘Joe’s a bit of a clown, he likes to do things like that.

“People were bidding quite a lot to have a rip. I was laughing but I did feel quite sorry for him, especially as we had a disco later on and he couldn’t walk.”

….. With friends like this ….. look let me just put this out there if you’re ever with me anywhere and I almost lose a testicle, no matter how humours the situations is, I BETTER NOT HEAR SHIT OUT OF YOU till at the very least I’ve fully recovered. I don’t give and damn if you’ve got a disco or a sock hop or an ice cream social going on latter if I lose one of “the boy’s” that instantly becomes the most important situation/event/issue of the evening mmmkay?

**Aside – Doesn’t Britain have universal government health care? why the hell would you need to raise money for a hospital? I smell possible shenanigans.

However the most disturbing thing in the entire article is:

Cooper, who has so far helped to raise about $4,400 for Leicester Royal Infirmary’s children’s ward, added: “I just hope people will sponsor me more now — because I’m still hurting.”

Is it just me or does it sound like he is ready to get back at it (like a certain J walker) so much for the “I’d never do it again” deal. Frankly Joe if I’m going to get my nuts ripped of, or die for a word “it’s gonna be poontang” or some such …. it sure as hell ain’t gonna be for a children’s charity. I think this episode might simply be gods way of telling Mr. Cooper please don’t reproduce.

Then yesterday I was reading an article for completely unrelated reasons Is Meow Meow the new Ecstasy?. It’s a long bunch of yada yada the only relevent part is:

Not a lot is known about the drug. It has been linked to one death so far in the UK — a 14-year old girl who took it at a party near Brighton — and there have been a number of people admitted to hospital with bizarre side-effects, including a teenage boy, who is reported to have had such severe hallucinations that he ripped off his scrotum.

Note to self: Stay the hell out of the united kingdom. What the freaking hell is going on across the pound it’s like a gawd damn ball-ripping-offing bonanza over there. And who the hell is this teenager the incredible hulk honestly I don’t think I could possibly rip my own scrotum off even if I was so inclined. Did he like tie a string around it and tie the other end of the string to a door and have someone slam it shut …. I wonder what kind of hallucinations he was having? because you’d have to see some pretty freaking weird and epic shit to make you think …”what the hell I’m pulling my scrotum off”… this is some of the strangest stuff I seen since the “horse” insident.

And where was the “horse guy” from well I’m guessing the Telegraph is not reporting on something that happened outside Meth Labsville, Indiana, so I’m going to guess the UK and I’m gonna to suggest that they start to more strictly test their water supply …. actually what I should do is worry more about home here in america where we are dealing with stuff like this

That is all

~Le Singe

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  1. July 26, 2010 at 5:30 pm

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