Home > Serious life..., Uncategorized > Round and Round it Goes Where it Stops No ONe KNows…..(on a serious note)

Round and Round it Goes Where it Stops No ONe KNows…..(on a serious note)

I think this is what I was going to type the other day that I forgot…… 

 

So where to begin….oh ya I move out of my house AGAIN….if you had read the last of my serious post you would have seen that earlier this year your humble narrator was facing having his driving privileges revoked due to him not filing taxes since 2003ish which turned out to be an empty threat since my license was already expired for 6 months, and a tree had fallen through my house (during a hurricane that hit on my birthday), then contractor #1 had robbed me taking all the money without doing all the work and some of the work they did was no good and needed to be redone, oh yah and like everyone else I got pile driven by the stock market…..yah generally not exactly the best of times…..is this what lead to the current issues, you ask what happened?????? 

 

Well with the issues above Veni Vidi Vici! Not really but due to some constructive action god dragged me kicking and scream through this and as a result I’m now %100 street legal is all respects GIT SOME….I took the tax issue to a professional and I’m now totally legit in the eyes of the taxman!! I hired contractor #2 who has been straight up, and all thought I’m going to end up losing a shit load of money on the deal, I was able to move by in three weeks ago +/- (at the end of the day I’m blessed to have the resources to deal with this). So things were looking good you might even say the fabled ‘cat birds seat’ then what happened????? 

 

First off my mom had surgery; she is doing fine but can’t drive or bend over or lift heavy objects for like a month or maybe more. THEN we find out that my grandmother has leukemia of the kill your ass sooner rather than later variety. This is very sad although her and I are not incredibly close and she is 90 years old and has lived a very full life and she has been blessed to be basically able to still be fully functional and live on her own maintaining a good quality of life right up to the end not having to waste away in a nursing home with strangers changing her etc. Despite all of this when the time of reckoning comes it is still sad and emotional. So my dad has left for Phoenix to be with her and I have moved into my moms to take care of her and be a driver and what not. Then in a few weeks we will go to phoenix for a week then after that who knows. 

 

Now I know some of the following is not right but I’m just expressing the crazy ass crap in my head, there was never any doubt that I was going go help my mom or that I was going to take the trip to phoenix and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do so and try to be of help….BUT…I JUST MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE these life events are extremely inconvenient for me right now (^you listening up there^..^p.s. I heard Christina Ricci is single now *taps nose* I’m just saying..^) I don’t know I just start to feel like when does it end it seems to be wearing on me ……in the last 2-3 years I have bean forced to abandon my residence 3 times dead brother, tree ‘dropping by’, sick mother + grandmother (and throw in tons of self made crisis of the type described earlier only more serious) . CAN I JUST HAVE A YEAR WEAR NO ONE DIES NOTHING FALLS ON THE HOUSE ETC. so in this case I brought the issue to my spiritual advisor:

its all about the id, the ego, and the super ego

its all about the id, the ego, and the super ego

sand the deck....gawd damit....wax on...wax off

sand the deck....gawd damit....wax on...wax off

son of a........SERENITY NOW!!!!

son of a........SERENITY NOW!!!!

this case is hopeless some one bring me a milk bone

this case is hopeless some one bring me a milk bone

No but seriously as much as I find these events distasteful today I have tools to get through this to attempt to match calamity with serenity. And I was sharing this with some people and they were like you just have to do what you have to. Then one of them said “I understand you are asking yourself ‘when do I get to live my life’” and another [Mr. Bob] interjected “when its time!”……………..this of course is the answer…its always simple, not so much easy but always simple…………I can’t choose when and how things are which is a good thing because me managing things and doing them my way on my time has always lead to results that are utterly crappy. When I go with the plan things seem to just work out. There were things that happened 9+ years ago that at the time I felt were the worst things that possibly could happen and to me, and today they are clearly the best things that ever happened to me.

 

And there it is! there is a greater power at work here there is a plan and a purpose. I believe this absolutely today %100 percent…..there was a time 5 or 6 years ago when I could say this and it was easy (i.e. my selfish brain ‘agreed with the plan’) but over the last 3 years I’ve gone through things that makes it not as easy to believe this (not that there aren’t people who are going through as bad or worse) but despite all of this I can still say that I believe just as much, actually more now, in the plan (the plan I don’t know). I’m exactly were I am supposed to be and things are exactly as they should be and if they were any different I would be miserable. I don’t have to like it every day of it but I do have to suit up every day and bring the ass in the hope that the head and the heart will eventually follow. The discomfort I feel is self pity because I’m obsessed with me and how I feel…..and this self pity is a total waste of time it only hurts me no matter how justified on unjustified it is, it really does no good, never has, and only causes me to rot from this inside.

 

As I sit today I’ve been ‘homeless’ again for 3 days and I’m already starting to see the good in it so I guess I’ll just sit back down on my bedazzled plastic horse and continue on gyrating smoothly up and down as I go around and around with the words of Mr. Churchill in my head saying it’s the worst life there is for you …except for all the others.

 

~Billy 

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