Dear John Daly (and your pants) …. thanks alot buddy

I should have known….. this is what happens when you go to bat for a guy like John Daly …. as you know a few days ago I gave big ups, only half sarcastically, to John Daly for the jacket he wore to some British Open function on Wednesday. Now don’t get me wrong that jacket is pretty freaking terrible, but there’s more too it than just a jacket that looks like he made it out of the shower curtain from his cousin/brother-in-law’s trailer/methlab. See in this case other than the jacket Big John was dressed pretty sharply in a sleek all black ensemble. He really had the whole Johnny Cash “man in black” kinda of thing working. This was especially true based on his personal history, and since he wore it to such a haughty-toighty affair in such a haughty-toighty place. He really gave off the image of the outlaw, and I think a certain affection for the idea of the outlaw is imprinted on Americans DNA. So despite the hideousness of the jacket, on some level it really worked 

But no sooner than I go public with my support for it, Big John goes out and does this

…. umm WTF …. Tony Little circa 1991 called said he is about to hit the gym and needs his pants back. While the jacket worked as part of an outfit and a look, these pants are straight up people of Wal-mart status (by the by if you’ve never been there you need to go … now …. the site not actual Wal-mart). There is just nothing in the world that can possibly explain or justify wearing those pants …. are you kidding me? Did he get them from Mc Hammers estate sale …. and to top it all off his girl friend was out on the course supporting him and sporting these:

Matching outfit’s …. are you kidding me. Do they have matching airbrushed tee-shirts they wear at night? This isn’t Gatlinburg, or an AARP bus trip to Graceland, or spring break in Panama City it’s the F%$&ING BRITISH OPEN … and matching outfits for couples stopping being acceptable right around the time Eve, on the advice of a serpent, touched her poutty lips to that apple …. when you’re hanging around the house or some such do whatever you want and I’ll silently snicker to myself … but dude you guys are in another country on international Tv you’re embarrassing all of us ….

Oh and who is this fair maiden you ask? The only thing I know about her is she is an ex Hooters waitress … honestly I’d of rather she wore the Hooters outfit, unless that meant the John would have matched his outfit to hers … which would have been a situation so perverse that not even my mind can contemplate it. Frankly when I heard Daly was sponsored by Hooters I assumed they were paying him in Booze and Chicken wings, but it looks like he took more of a Tigeresq route.

But don’t feel too bad for these two all this fine couture is all courtesy of Loudmouth Golf who also sponsors Daly. And as you would expect from the culture of the gilded age we are living in Daly and future ex-wife number 5 his girlfriends outfits have been the talk of every media outlet in the world possibly even above the tournament itself. I’m sure they are all doing pretty well. Furthermore I hear John Daly has sobered up (two years) and this is something to be greatly commended for, and what the hell if you’re gonna go out there and be a redneck you might as well blow it out all the way … frankly I will be shocked if these two don’t have a reality Tv show by the fall.

The only thing that could have made this any better is if Daly had actually won and we would have had a repeat of what happened the last time he won the British Open in 1995:

Maybe that guy is the future CEO of Loudmouth Golf, maybe this is how the two linked up in the first place …. although its more likely they met while getting drunk at Hooters!

OMFG John Daly just became one of my all time favorite true American Heroes!!

At a time like this there is only one very specific phrase you can utter “GIT-ER-DUN” I haven’t seen anything this beautiful since Jams went out of style in the 80′s. I mean that jacket would still look pretty “high-octane” if it was worn in Aruba …. by a 75 year old woman … but this, this is a whole nother level …

*NOTE: have you ever noticed after a certain age people can pull off rocking clothes that no one else can, clothes that if they would have worn just a decade before they would have been huge assholes, but now they can pull it off*

P.S. John Daly is not this age yet.

The fact that he is rocking this ‘super sonic cabana wear on crack’ in Scotland …. at a golf course … one of the oldest and most traditional golf course in the world … is truly truly next level. The british are known for many things … flamboyance not being one of them .. neither is pastel colors … This is so so awesome because by donning this outfit Mr. Daly … “Oh Captain My Captain” … has in the most clear and epic of terms given professional golfing, Scottish golfing, the entire golfing world, hell the entire world you, me, everyone … he has given us all one huge middle finger straight up in the air. He has given the entirety of western civilization a huge … colorful … rather festive even … FUCK U. And to top it all off he is doing it while smoking … any one want to make a wager on whether they’re menthol? … You may think you’re a badass who doesn’t give a F*&$ … but if you’re not John Daly right now, in comparison you are a pussy. I mean Lebron Thought he was cool with his whole craziness last week but sorry dude you just got totally totally owned … Lebron how does John’s ass taste?

regardless of who did this it would certainly be entertaining and news worthy, but only John Daly could take it to this level … Frankly I had no idea, and can’t believe, the guy is still alive …

You see the only person that can really pull this off “right” is someone who …. is a graduate of the University of Arkansas …. is sponsored by Hooters …. has recorded an album with Willie Nelson on it …. has sung backing vocals on a Kid Rock track … has been arrested for being drunk outside a Hooters …. who has walk off the golf course multiple times during PROFESSIONAL tournaments to get drunk instead of playing …. and who has been involved in multiple “domestic incidences” during tournaments including one involving his FOURTH wife who is now in prison serving time on FEDERAL drug charges.

Gentlemen when your resume reads like this then, and only then will you be able to waltz in to an event in the most high class country in the world, for the most high class sport in the world, at the most hallowed ground of that sport ……. like you’re some kind of god damn white trash Frank Sinatra, smoking kools, and wearing the uniform of the social director from the love boat.

And no one is happier about it than Tiger Woods who is like “Phew at least this will take some heat off me … ” actually he looks much more like he is thinking “… I think one of the pimps I use has that jacket …. wait John Daly is one of the pimps I use.” The guy on the left is laughing probably because of what John Daly is wearing and you can see from John Daly’s expression he doesn’t find it funny and is fitt’en to spit some beechnut in some bodies eye and shoot someone down with his 45!!! This shot is just classic.

The next stop for Jon Daly can only be donning tuxedo with jeans as he asks for Mylie Cyrus’ hand in marriage thus the cycle will have come full circle once more!!

It’s all so beautiful it gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes ….. I LOVE YOU JOHN USA USA USA USA …..

Seriously though why not everyone should live alittle and I’m not lying when I say a #$%^ love it.

Le Singe