It’s not jus you Lindsay Lohan there’s a whole lot o’crazyness going on out there.

 

Lindsay Lohan — Plan Calls For California Rehab

Sources close to LiLo say the plan is for her to enter a rehab facility somewhere in Cali so people in her camp can keep close tabs on her progress.

This is good since thus far these parsites, leaches, pushers, and pimps “people in her camp” have done such a good job of taking care of her and keeping her going in the right direction….

Burst beaver dam closes highway for 3 hours.

OTTAWA — Damn beaver dam.

The beaver’s reputation as an expert engineer took a beating Wednesday night after a dam let go and flooded Highway 60 north of Whitney, forcing police to close the highway for several hours.

how’s the bean counter’s decision to out source the provinces engineering to the rodent world looking now …. as and engineer I’ll take this opportunity to laugh as you come crawling back.

Man Accused Of Bashing ATMs With Ax

Wilson said the suspect told police he found the ax near a trash container at a nearby bar. He also told officers he’s been under a lot of stress, police said, and made a mistake by vandalizing the ATMs.

Vandalizing eh? I’m sure his target selection had nothing to do with the tons of cash inside ….. I remember the good ole days when this was called armed robbery.

Lundar resident faces charges over 911 calls

A 33-year-old resident of Lundar, Manitoba is facing numerous charges after allegedly making a series of 911 calls which included demanding RCMP officers somehow bring the National Hockey League back to the province.

GOTTA SUPPORT THE TEAM … this is still better than face painting …. frankly as a fan sometimes you just get pushed too far.

“He had apparently been drinking and told police he hadn’t slept in days. He started talking about world conglomerates, things like that. He was hallucinating, obviously,” said the source.

Here’s a shocker I figured that this guy was a tea-tolling father of the year who was driven be his deep seated passionate involvement in his community who was clearly aware of the fact that when you’ve been drinking and haven’t slept in days (aka drinking and doing meth) is the ideal time to interact with law enforcement….

Cheating German couple fall from window during sex session

A CHEATING couple who fell from an apartment window during a secret sex session suffered broken bones and head wounds.

The man and woman, who were not named, fell about five metres from the first floor apartment, in the German city of Lubeck, German newsite Bild.Com reported.

The woman, who is married to another man, insisted the pair were not having sex, despite reports from neighbors who spotted the couple in action before their tumble.

“We weren’t having sex. We were just fooling around. I can’t remember the fall anymore,” the woman told the paper.

In a bizarre twist, the clumsy lovers were taken to the same hospital where the woman’s husband was recovering from his own fall – from a roof a few days earlier.

I guess no one was really paying attention at the last family “safety meeting” where always being tied off and wearing your harness was discussed … she can’t remember but she remembers for sure they weren’t having sex … fooling around …. sorry you’re not Bill Clintoning your way out of this one. I doubt the husband cares this couple obviously is in to some perverse shit that’s way more out there than adultery.

Le Singe

Drinking + Soccer = Bad …. BUT IT’S THE WORLD CUP BRO…

ummmmkay so ya the world cup was entertaining to watch ….. I’ve been watching as much of it as a gainfully employed primate can. And of course we all wanted the team to win but dude GET A F#$%ING GRIP it’s soccer. Maybe the best time to be interview to be on the news is not after you’ve drunken away your dignity. Ironically this seems to be the time when you desire to be interview by the new the most. I was waiting for him to grab the mic out of the reporters hand and be like “…WHERE GOING STREAKING EVERYONE FOLLOW ME TIMES SQUARE NOW WE GOING STREAKING”. Frankly this makes me feel grateful because lord knows it could have been me, except it wouldn’t have been as funny because at least he wasn’t so bad off that only other people on the same level could understand him. Luckey back when I was a drinker there was no YouTube. Whats awesome for this guy and what is so great about our modern culture is a little sloppy drunkenness has instantly catapulted him to the level of national hero and made him more famous than anyone on the US soccer team.

You know somehow I can’t seem to get out of my mind that I know this guy from somewhere ….

A doubly anointed internet hero …. as they say some guys got all the luck.

For Christ sake would you put some pants on….

So Lady GaGa is someone everyone one has opinions on, and well before this weekend the title of this post has been my opinion of her …. this weekend was simply case in point.

Lady Gaga BANNED From Yankees Clubhouse?

Like the clubhouse as in the baseballs version of a locker room …. Like the place where Ozzie Guillen (a.k.a the greatest American hero ever) set up a blow up doll with strategically placed bats … to help the team break out of a slump. Why the hell not she already did Larry King live I’m sure the club house won’t be anything she hasn’t seen before.

Lady Gaga has been banned from the New York Yankees clubhouse after she was drunkenly slurring her words and groping her breasts while trying to meet players, reports the NY Post.

YOU STILL GOT IT!!…. this is so freaking awesome that despite music that sucks, the fact that her whoowhoo is constantly hanging out in public, her “friendship” with Perez Hilton, and her previously being total euro trash without even actually being European…. Despite all of that she has now catapulted to one of the most epic celebrities ever!!! I mean, hell if you’re gonna do it do it big, don’t waste your time with a bullshit DWI or some horseshit story about how you got kidnapped …. Reach for the stars and get all:

….. drunkenly slurring her words and groping her breasts while trying to meet players, reports the NY Post

You can take the girl out of New Jersey, but you can’t …..

The first article I read on this didn’t even mention Arod, but that was my first thought ‘…she’s trying to meet Arod.’ It just makes too much sense Lady Gaga wants to be Madonna, and Arod used to date Madonna …. He also seems like the type of guy who likes chick’s with an aversion to pants (see striper, Madonna, Kate Hudson etal.).

But after the game (the Yankees lost) Gaga retreated to the team clubhouse drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey, meeting players including Alex Rodriguez, and repeatedly “groping her chest over her jersey.”

Gaga Gaga Gaga ‘beer then liquor never sicker’ *shakes finger at* I just don’t even know what to say other than as you read this article you keep thinking to yourself “it can’t get any better than this”, but it keeps getting better …… I’m weeping openly as we speak.

Sources said Gaga, who left through a private exit, smooth- talked her way past stadium security.

Must be a Crack security team they got working there …. It’s not just anyone who can let a chick …. Who’s been chugging beer …. Then drinking whiskey …. And who isn’t wearing pants … slip right by them. When the Harlem Globetrotters show broke up they must have hired the Washington generals to do security … I mean even Helen Keller would have been on this one …

Still in all how could they have even contemplated banning her …. This sort of thing is what baseball is all about. Hasn’t Big Stein jr. seen Bull Durham (one of the best movie’s of all time). Gaga is simply channeling Susan Sarandon’s character. She is just trying to teach Arod to do jagger shots breath through his eyelids while carrying on a torrid affair with Posada.

It looks like our fair headed heroine has got her own little “subway series” going on.

Lady Gaga Gets to First Base with Chick at BB Game

Lady Gaga Flips Off Cameras, Drinks Beer At Mets Game (PHOTOS)

I guess she has tired of the whole Madonna thing and moved on to impersonating another 80’s star …. Bruce Springsteen aka “the boss” (possibly best nickname ever). Gaga is has been oft quoted saying she is Bi-sexual, and I think this whole thing is really just a big metaphor, yes one big ole drunken metaphor. See she is dressed like a slut (see fishnets the aforementioned lack of pants and the like) chugging beer and whiskey and trolling for baseball players at the Yankees game the “American league”. But cross town she is dressed like Bruce Springsteen … or possibly ‘the fonz’….. Chugging beer whilst making out with a girl at the Metz game the “national league” *tapes nose* get it? 

Whatever just put some f#$%ing pants on please because everywhere I look BOOM I got to see your whoowhoo and I like seeing whoowhoo as much as the next guy, but there is a time and place for everything. Just do the “I think I’m a claymation character in some weird Tim Burton movie” fashion styling singy singy dancy dancy thing. Leave the skanking it up around town for those without any better options *cough* Paris *cough*. 

p.s. I updated my “about” section.

Alcoholics say the darnedest things…

Charlie Sheen 911 — ‘Car Went … Over the Cliff’.

Not to harp on the same subject over and over, but hell I work with the material I have at hand. So I read this story this week, and I couldn’t help but have this weird feeling you know like you know I had seen this somewhere …. Déjà vu I think they call it. Did this happen to me in a previous life? ooooooohhh wait a minute….

And

Charlie Sheen Left Keys in the Car — Again

Riiiiiightttttttt …. Sooo for the second time in 4 MONTHS Charlie leaves his keys in the ignition of his car, and both times it gets stolen? ….. Both times there just happened to be an opportunist car thief wandering the streets of his highly exclusive GATED neighborhood …. Who just happened on Chucky’s car the TWO times he happened to leave the keys in the ignition? Wait … wait no maybe not it seems like Charlie says someone was stalking his house before/after the first time, “casing the joint”. Someone was risking casing his house in order to steal his car twice just to drive it around and dump it in a ditch somewhere, yes this makes perfect sense (maybe it was Lindsey Lohan I hear she’s had some driving issues). AAAAaaanddd it just so happened to be during a time that Charlie has been known to be “off the wagon”? It kinda reminds me of back when I was a drinker and people kept “smashing in to my car while it was in a parking lot” it was the darnedest thing I had the worst luck….

We’re told detectives are going back to Charlie’s neighborhood later today, to see if surveillance tape at the guard shack shows the car leaving the property.   The guard shack exit is the only way out, but for some reason there was no video of the first heist. 

Pray tell, did the cameras happen to catch chucky staggering strolling back in to the neighborhood on foot? It was reported from a pay phone on Ventura blvd. eh? Is there a museum there? I wasn’t aware pay phones still existed ….. I’d bet you could go to the police station and make a report in person sooner than you could find a pay phone. I guess if you did that then they would know it was you that found it and that wouldn’t be good because we wouldn’t want anyone thinking that maybe you were just drunkenly crashing your cars in to ditches, and walking away to wait for them to be found, and then claiming they were stolen now would we …. That wouldn’t be good for your court cases errr divorce settlement  err reputation now would it?