And who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking.

I had to sit through a 500 hour meeting today and was an eyelash away from jabbing myself in the eye with a pencil just to get out of it. So I come back to my desk and I’m catching up on twitter and read something that caught my eye …. the Dalai Llama ….. tweeted “@DalaiLama: Wherever I go, I always give the advice to be altruistic and kind to others.” And I was thinking but what if everyone was altruistic would anything ever get done … someone somewhere would have to start doing something non altruistic so everyone else could pitch in and help out ….

And then my mind came to screeching halt, making a sound like when the needle gets scraped across a record, WHAT the HELL am I thinking and how could I possibly think that way. I’m sure all of you are much better thinkers and your minds instantly went to the right place, but I missed it ….. then it hit me like a ton of bricks and my mind instantly snapped to the right place which is of course –

WAIT did I read that right THE Dalai Lama …. like as in THE D.A.L.A.I Lama …. hmmm maybe it’s some other guy with the same name …. no

…. is there anything so

 ……. has there ever been anything so

…….. Has anyone ever even dreamt anything so

…… so completely utterly totally f#$%ing  insanely ridiculous as the fact that THE MOTHA F^&*ING DALAI LAMA IS ON TWITTER

wHAT

tHE

fUCK

is up with that ……..

So then I came to my senses and thought oh it’s just someone trying to be cool kinda like I’m following Darth Vader (@darthvader) and Cobra Commander(@cobracommander), and while in my mind they are definitely 100% actually Darth Vader and Cobra Commander actually tweeting, most sane adults realise both these guys are way to busy to be tweeting …. so this is probably just one of those type things ok

…. NO SIR it’s not. How do I know you ask BECAUSE HIS ACCOUNT IS VERIFIED …..

What in the name of christ is the Dalai Lama doing on twitter …. with a verified account?

The very fabric of everything twitter is based on is diametrically opposed to the teachings of the Dalai Lama

…. actually I have no freaking idea what the teachings of the Dalai Lama are … But I’ve seen enough TV and Movies to get the gist of it, which is he wears sandals and walks around humming a lot and spends most of his time up in the mountains meditating (he must have a hell of a WI-FI antenna), and sometimes he hands out literature in the airport, and if you really screw up he might light himself on fire ….

This is unbelievable does the pope have a facebook? Can we make a reality show out of teenage Mormons chicks on their mission …….?

Our society is totally out of control first John Daly now this …

This is the part where I threaten to move in to the woods and send you guys pipe bombs or to roll out to Afghanistan and hunt down Bin Laden, but honestly no one’s buying that …. you know me too well and that means you obviously know that I’M GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP BAAAAY-BEEEE me and Al Gore are gonna be living it up all over twitter, facebook, adultfriend finder, sugardaddy.com, yada yada yada until the inevitable day a vengeful god comes back to earth and puts us all out of our misery AND WE’RE TAKiN THE DALAI LAMA WITH US …. KISS MY ASS …… SEE YOU IN HELL PRINCE ……

and so I tweeted the Lama “@Dalailama Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.”

and he tweeted back to me “@1billy1 Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.”

So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

~Le Singe

Damit I got busted, Houston we have a problem … problems actually

I could have sworn no one was around when I was doing this.

So this is going to be a confessional of sorts and the first thing to confess is one of my guilty pleasures is celebrity blind items. So in light of this I have a blind item for you:

Which A list celebrity bridge engineer recently had his water turned off because he forgot to pay the bill?

Why the hell do I not have in auto withdrawn? There really is no good reason for this …. Luckely I’m prepared for this from my college life and I know whenever the water is off you got one good flush left, use it wisely. It’s not so bad sometimes you need to piss off the porch just to let everyone know where you at ….. hell sometimes I piss off the porch just because I CAN!! It’s all about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness eh?

This type of plant is called a “cast iron plant” because it supposedly it can live through almost anything …. who ever came up with that name clearly had not experienced the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is my yard.

Speaking of my yard while I was doing yard work on Monday my lawn mower shot a rock through the window of my neighbors car …. I can’t help but think this is karma giving me the dreaded “rear admiral”.

According to the traffic cameras around town I’m some sort of arch freaking criminal on a wild crime spree ….

I’ve been doing some cooking lately

Apparently this wasn’t the kind of plastic you can put in the oven *facepalm*

oh well you know you know what they say

or as I like to put it

over and out

~Le Singe